Relapse

As my return to my blog- I figured I'd talk about something recent. Something... VERY recent. A relapse actually.

For those who don't know I used to have a bit of an addiction to pills. I kinda deny it for the most part, because I don't like thinking about it. I mean, if someone asks- I'll tell them I did, but if it's my choice then I won't say a single word about it.

The ways the pills made me feel were off the ceiling. I loved the feeling, and I still do. They made me feel blissful, but not numb. They made me unconscious, but aware of everything. I was carefree, nice to people, and just cool in general.

It's an amazing feeling, but I can't really recommend it to anyone. The shit will waste your money with fake delusions of happiness and keep your brain foggy and disassociated.

With that said, I feel the need to tell you THIS story:

It was last Thursday night (unless I'm wrong), and I just wasn't feeling too hot at all. I felt pretty shitty about a whole lot, and so I decided that I'd try and get some pills. I talked to my one friend (who won't be named for obvious reasons), who agreed to sell me two 357 MG Hydrocodones. I met him at the park, bought the pills and then went home.

I quartered one of the pills and then sat there staring at the crushed pill- questioning if I should do this or not. I got my dollar bill rolled and snorted two lines. It felt amazing. It felt awesome to just be able to feel human again. Shortly after snorting it- I felt it. I felt the odd, wonderful happiness that it brought.

I sat there and just felt whole again.

The next day- I snorted another quarter and took the other half of the pill. Once again- it felt amazing, and I was in a comfortable, happy mood that entire day- with everyone I met.

The next day- I just said fuck it and just swallowed the other pill. I didn't bother trying to make it last, I didn't really care.

I'm happy I did that now. Even though the following day was FUCKING TORTURE because my body was hating me for doing it- and giving me these intense withdrawl headaches. Of course I lived through it, because here I am now. The headaches weren't THAT bad- but they were still really fucking intense.

Even today, I considered buying pills again... but instead, I bought an ice-cream cone. Just as good. I'm happy I did those pills, just to make me realize that all that pain the day after REALLY isn't worth the few hours of happiness.

Now... I just need to find something "real" to make me happy.

Good fucking luck, I guess.

- Josh