She stared at me with discontent and I felt the blood coarse through my veins like a freight-train on a one-way destination with no worries or no lives to save in the process.
"What the hell is your problem?!" she asked me, but I had no answer. Instead, I stand there, my rage burning and seething directly below the surface, waiting for the opportune moment to snap. "I have no problem" I reply, indifferently. She scoffs at my pathetic attempt to wipe the situation clean from my back and then she proceeds to mock and defile who I am in a series of offensive laughs that make my eyes burn and my face twitch for lack of reason.
I'd fallen in love with this woman years ago and now my love has shifted. It went from her, a 38 year old mother of my children and love of my life to the 14 year old body of my daughter's best-friend. How it happened I'll never truly be able to explain, but one with sight and similar feelings might be able to answer that question for me.
"You're sick!" she tells me. I cannot deny this. I stand there appropriating my gaze to whatever feels least awkward at the moment. "You're a fucking creep!" she yells in my direction. My eyes look up to her now, she openly burns her rage. Mine is down. My rage is at the center and the core of the human infrastructure waiting until someone finally snaps and breaks me open like a glowstick.
I've thought how this moment would go various times throughout my tenure with the girl, but I could never come to a logical conclusion on the subject. Instead, I would play it over in my head and each time my wife would be less angry at me. Now, as I stand her with my pride in my right hand pocket all I can think is that this was far worse than I'd ever expected.
"You dirty, old, fucking loser!" she calls me. I perk up, my cheek twitches and I walk forward. I grab a picture off of the wall without looking at it. "What are you doing now?!" she yells to me. I continue marching toward her as she's backing away. I get her in the corner, lift up with the glass picture frame and let go on her face. I destroy her beauty and I demolish her ability to call me names. I don't quit. The glass is long gone at this point (noted by the amount left in her face) and she lay there still, lifeless.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
influence
the room spun, his body felt heavy. He'd made it up the stairs, though barely. He thought about his actions before they disappeared into oblivion never to see the light of day again. He cringed at the sobriety and welcomed the mental levity the drugs brought him. They were all a smoke-screen to cover up the distant and corrosive past the he refused to acknowledge.
The sad times he referred to them in his more lucid states. Alas, his lucidity never quite lasted long enough to make an impression in his conscious.
For some odd reason or occurrence, he'd went outside to sit on the porch. His eyes hazy, glassy, empty and dull. The drugs are just deeply sobering he'd often repeat. Sobering to see what the world has become without your insolence, maybe.
He closed his eyes as he sat upright and began to drift. His mind went places he didn't want it to and his brain couldn't find one simple place to relax in between any of it. He felt a void rising in him and the man was helpless but to accept what he was given.
Instead, he lay down on his porch and drift away with the evening air.
The sad times he referred to them in his more lucid states. Alas, his lucidity never quite lasted long enough to make an impression in his conscious.
For some odd reason or occurrence, he'd went outside to sit on the porch. His eyes hazy, glassy, empty and dull. The drugs are just deeply sobering he'd often repeat. Sobering to see what the world has become without your insolence, maybe.
He closed his eyes as he sat upright and began to drift. His mind went places he didn't want it to and his brain couldn't find one simple place to relax in between any of it. He felt a void rising in him and the man was helpless but to accept what he was given.
Instead, he lay down on his porch and drift away with the evening air.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
"So are you coming?"
"So are you coming home with me?" he asked her. "Well, I really don't know you. I'm new to town anyways." The man smiled. "Well, my name is Philip, I live about fifteen minutes away in the upper East Side if you go by foot. Also, you made your point- you're new to town, you could probably use a friendly hand." She thought of this momentarily. She'd come out from Washington where she had spent most of her younger years. She'd been staying at a friends home in Poughkeepsie and made the trek to the city to see what she'd been missing out on.
She still stood there, her eyes affixed to Philip's face. She wanted to know if he was a 'good guy' or a 'bad guy' but eventually threw away any ideas that someone would want to hurt her.
"Yes." she said, weakly. Philip smiled. "Okay, well let's go then." The two walked out of the pub and Philip hailed a cab. The weather was cold, the streets were thick with snow and Central Park was a mere fifty paces ahead.
"Where to?" the driver asked the two people. Philip replied with his assumed home address and the Taxi went off into the night.
Old Jazz poured out of the car stereo. Miles Davis to be exact. To be more exact it was the song "Diner Au Motel", a gem. The subtle bebop sounds mixed with the flashing lights and radiating street-lights as the girl stared out the window. She was mesmerized. "New York is the prettiest place you'll ever see during the Winter, Nancy." Nancy didn't reply, not right away anyways. She continued to look out the windows while listening to the trumpet noise and snare drum roll.
Nancy thought herself to be rude and eventually decided to spark up a conversation with the recently met Philip. "So, uh what do you do?" she asked. Philip took himself from his newspaper he found in the back seat and answered her. "I work for an investment firm, boring crap." He made a slight laugh and then he asked her a similar question. "What about you? What do you do? Why're you here?" She looked out the window as she spoke. "Well, I was a teacher. Grade school, mostly. I don't know. I got tired of it. I wanted to experience something else."
He looked at her fondly before conjuring a question. "Well, is this 'something else'?" he asked. "It sure is." she said.
She still stood there, her eyes affixed to Philip's face. She wanted to know if he was a 'good guy' or a 'bad guy' but eventually threw away any ideas that someone would want to hurt her.
"Yes." she said, weakly. Philip smiled. "Okay, well let's go then." The two walked out of the pub and Philip hailed a cab. The weather was cold, the streets were thick with snow and Central Park was a mere fifty paces ahead.
"Where to?" the driver asked the two people. Philip replied with his assumed home address and the Taxi went off into the night.
Old Jazz poured out of the car stereo. Miles Davis to be exact. To be more exact it was the song "Diner Au Motel", a gem. The subtle bebop sounds mixed with the flashing lights and radiating street-lights as the girl stared out the window. She was mesmerized. "New York is the prettiest place you'll ever see during the Winter, Nancy." Nancy didn't reply, not right away anyways. She continued to look out the windows while listening to the trumpet noise and snare drum roll.
Nancy thought herself to be rude and eventually decided to spark up a conversation with the recently met Philip. "So, uh what do you do?" she asked. Philip took himself from his newspaper he found in the back seat and answered her. "I work for an investment firm, boring crap." He made a slight laugh and then he asked her a similar question. "What about you? What do you do? Why're you here?" She looked out the window as she spoke. "Well, I was a teacher. Grade school, mostly. I don't know. I got tired of it. I wanted to experience something else."
He looked at her fondly before conjuring a question. "Well, is this 'something else'?" he asked. "It sure is." she said.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sometimes life isn't so terrible
I had a dream last night, well- to be honest it was a wet-dream, but let's not allow that to deter the meaning of the dream.
The dream had a girl from my past in it, but not a girlfriend- not even a girl from this state or coast.
It was interesting.
Then I woke up this morning and for some reason I feel good. I mean sure, I made cumsies, but I feel actually- worry-free. Christ knows it'll only last about a day or two, but it's worth it.
I just feel like, maybe life isn't so terrible after all.
This time last year I was in one of the three worst places of my life (number two was following the NY trip last summer and the other was a LONGGGGGGG time ago). I'd all but cheated on Christina, I was broke, I felt alone... now, I think I've come a long way.
You all got some potential for a wet dream and a happy day. use it.
The dream had a girl from my past in it, but not a girlfriend- not even a girl from this state or coast.
It was interesting.
Then I woke up this morning and for some reason I feel good. I mean sure, I made cumsies, but I feel actually- worry-free. Christ knows it'll only last about a day or two, but it's worth it.
I just feel like, maybe life isn't so terrible after all.
This time last year I was in one of the three worst places of my life (number two was following the NY trip last summer and the other was a LONGGGGGGG time ago). I'd all but cheated on Christina, I was broke, I felt alone... now, I think I've come a long way.
You all got some potential for a wet dream and a happy day. use it.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Things (Possibly) To Come
It's been a while!
Uhhhhhh.
Horrible audio quality!
Just download and listen!
http://rapidshare.com/files/183904821/Things__possibly__to_come.mp3.html
Skylightaftersilence@gmail.com
Uhhhhhh.
Horrible audio quality!
Just download and listen!
http://rapidshare.com/files/183904821/Things__possibly__to_come.mp3.html
Skylightaftersilence@gmail.com
Friday, January 2, 2009
Pain
right now, it's 3:39 AM on January 2nd, 2009.
Kimya Dawson roams through my head and for the first time I can say that I wish it would stop.
I've predicated much on who I am based on 'things I've learned' which is really 'my fuckups and mistakes'. I grew up after I ruined a relationship with (probably) one of the most amazing people I've ever known.
I thought I grew up at least.
Instead, I run from my fucking problems. I pretend they don't exist and I forget about them until it's completely necessary to address them.
What does Kimya Dawson have to do with this? Easy. Juno.
Juno was one of the last times I recall really having fun. I went and saw it with Christina (my ex-girlfriend) and a mere few weeks later- we broke up.
People have asked me and I've answered truthfully- but without much of any real answer. I'd say:
1. We broke up because I was/am a bad boyfriend and I know it.
(statement is true, but it's not why we broke up, to me at least)
2. I just stopped caring.
(I've thought about this many times. I never stopped caring, I just stopped wanting to care.)
3. I fucked things up
(also true)
Truthfully- I was unfaithful to my dear ex-girlfriend. She put up with my shit for almost a year, something no person should ever have to do. She dealt with my angry fits, my over-opinionated rants and my general snideness for longer than she should've... because she loved me.
My emotions have (and will always be) the least controllable thing to me. I can control myself occasionally but I over-react, act before think and usually just say the worst things. She still put up with that and gave me her heart. What did I do? I got nude pictures from girls in other states (as well as my own town) while we were dating.
Me? fuck me man.
I'm being honest.
I'm the worst person I know.
- Josh.
Kimya Dawson roams through my head and for the first time I can say that I wish it would stop.
I've predicated much on who I am based on 'things I've learned' which is really 'my fuckups and mistakes'. I grew up after I ruined a relationship with (probably) one of the most amazing people I've ever known.
I thought I grew up at least.
Instead, I run from my fucking problems. I pretend they don't exist and I forget about them until it's completely necessary to address them.
What does Kimya Dawson have to do with this? Easy. Juno.
Juno was one of the last times I recall really having fun. I went and saw it with Christina (my ex-girlfriend) and a mere few weeks later- we broke up.
People have asked me and I've answered truthfully- but without much of any real answer. I'd say:
1. We broke up because I was/am a bad boyfriend and I know it.
(statement is true, but it's not why we broke up, to me at least)
2. I just stopped caring.
(I've thought about this many times. I never stopped caring, I just stopped wanting to care.)
3. I fucked things up
(also true)
Truthfully- I was unfaithful to my dear ex-girlfriend. She put up with my shit for almost a year, something no person should ever have to do. She dealt with my angry fits, my over-opinionated rants and my general snideness for longer than she should've... because she loved me.
My emotions have (and will always be) the least controllable thing to me. I can control myself occasionally but I over-react, act before think and usually just say the worst things. She still put up with that and gave me her heart. What did I do? I got nude pictures from girls in other states (as well as my own town) while we were dating.
Me? fuck me man.
I'm being honest.
I'm the worst person I know.
- Josh.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
How I Ruined Christmas
Christmas time with my family is a bad dig. It's pretty horrible for my grandmother who constantly misses my uncle (who offed himself a few years back) so things get tense from the second week of December to the New Year. It's because of this (as well as the same thing with my mother) that I've pretty much stopped celebrating Christmas altogether.
I figured that since Alcoholism, Manic Depressive nature and Bi-Polar disorder run in my family, that I'd separate myself from the grief that they allow themselves to be overcome with during this season by distancing myself from the holiday.
As I mentioned, Manic Depression and Bi-Polar run in my family (though, certain members like my grandmother want people to pity her) and it makes for a tense household that I avoid by staying in my room and going to work.
Why that is important will be learned in the rest of this story.
A few weeks back I decided that I'd buy a 360 to help cope with the insane amounts of boredom that I feel during the winter.
I kept telling my grandparents that I planned on buying it and in their nearly-constant-drunken-states they'd tell me to wait until 'Christmas was over' so I could find a better deal... but, I'm an impulse buyer and I'm not one to not buy a product because of a $5 - $10 increase.
Like most suggestions they give me, I put it behind me and just quietly go about my day with my plan still in progress.
Well, my plan was to buy the 'Elite' bundle from Amazon.com on Tuesday after I got paid (I had enough money in my account to cover it initially, but I didn't want my balance to near zero) and when Tuesday morning came... shit hit the fan.
My grandparents kept telling me the same, dumb shit over and over again. 'Wait til' Christmas is over, then you'll get a better deal!" and I didn't really give a shit at the time, to be honest. I got paid and I put my order in at Amazon.com and not five minutes later my grandpa comes into my room and shuts the door.
'Okay, now you fucking listen.' he said, which is always a great way to start talking to another human, regardless of relation or not. He proceeded to tell me not to buy it and that my aunt and uncle 'Went to a Christmas Auction' and bought me a used one. I told him that I was buying a new one and that I didn't need my family to think that I was some fucking kid who wants and needs handouts when I have a job and my own money.
It's completely true! I planned on buying it myself because I know that my grandparents don't really have the money. If I were living back in AZ, it'd be different, (even though I have another xbox out that way that my mom hasn't sent me for whatever reason... I think she does it to see if I'll ever come back out there) and I don't mind! I'm a fairly simple creature as long as I'm left alone and no one bothers me.
Well, my grandfather listens to me, scoffs and walks away- slamming the door calling me an 'asshole'. Three minutes later, my grandmother comes in with a brown box and I see the label through her tears... a new fucking 360 Elite, the same I planned on buying from Amazon. I nearly shit myself. I instantly go from being insanely pissed off to 'holy fuck, I'm the worst child ever.', she screams something I can't remember, leaves the package and slams my door on her way out (they love slamming my door, I think).
I sit there, listen to the song 'Hard Work' by Paul Baribeau and gather my thoughts. I leave my bedroom and walk to the kitchen where my grandmother continues screaming stuff at me that I don't remember, except for her (in her manic-depressive, bi-polar, alcohol induced state) yelling 'YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS! WE JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU!!!" and I leave her to ferment. During the rest of the day she continues telling me how I never complain, I keep to myself and all of this stuff while I keep reminding myself that I ruined Christmas for them. They wanted to do something nice and instead I shit on it.
I told her to take it, wrap it and wait until Christmas to give it to me. She keeps going 'NO!" like a kid until I somehow convince her that I refuse to touch it unless it's wrapped and under the tree.
Three days later (today) she's still bummed and pissed off at me.
I don't know, I feel horrible... but at the same time I'm not.
I feel bad because she seems to care so much, but it's not like 'it came from Santa' (a quote from Sam, yes, I stole it).
Who knows.
I manage to ruin everything else... why not Christmas?
Cheers, I guess.
- Josh
(oh, new myspace btw: myspace.com/gimmesomesoul)
I figured that since Alcoholism, Manic Depressive nature and Bi-Polar disorder run in my family, that I'd separate myself from the grief that they allow themselves to be overcome with during this season by distancing myself from the holiday.
As I mentioned, Manic Depression and Bi-Polar run in my family (though, certain members like my grandmother want people to pity her) and it makes for a tense household that I avoid by staying in my room and going to work.
Why that is important will be learned in the rest of this story.
A few weeks back I decided that I'd buy a 360 to help cope with the insane amounts of boredom that I feel during the winter.
I kept telling my grandparents that I planned on buying it and in their nearly-constant-drunken-states they'd tell me to wait until 'Christmas was over' so I could find a better deal... but, I'm an impulse buyer and I'm not one to not buy a product because of a $5 - $10 increase.
Like most suggestions they give me, I put it behind me and just quietly go about my day with my plan still in progress.
Well, my plan was to buy the 'Elite' bundle from Amazon.com on Tuesday after I got paid (I had enough money in my account to cover it initially, but I didn't want my balance to near zero) and when Tuesday morning came... shit hit the fan.
My grandparents kept telling me the same, dumb shit over and over again. 'Wait til' Christmas is over, then you'll get a better deal!" and I didn't really give a shit at the time, to be honest. I got paid and I put my order in at Amazon.com and not five minutes later my grandpa comes into my room and shuts the door.
'Okay, now you fucking listen.' he said, which is always a great way to start talking to another human, regardless of relation or not. He proceeded to tell me not to buy it and that my aunt and uncle 'Went to a Christmas Auction' and bought me a used one. I told him that I was buying a new one and that I didn't need my family to think that I was some fucking kid who wants and needs handouts when I have a job and my own money.
It's completely true! I planned on buying it myself because I know that my grandparents don't really have the money. If I were living back in AZ, it'd be different, (even though I have another xbox out that way that my mom hasn't sent me for whatever reason... I think she does it to see if I'll ever come back out there) and I don't mind! I'm a fairly simple creature as long as I'm left alone and no one bothers me.
Well, my grandfather listens to me, scoffs and walks away- slamming the door calling me an 'asshole'. Three minutes later, my grandmother comes in with a brown box and I see the label through her tears... a new fucking 360 Elite, the same I planned on buying from Amazon. I nearly shit myself. I instantly go from being insanely pissed off to 'holy fuck, I'm the worst child ever.', she screams something I can't remember, leaves the package and slams my door on her way out (they love slamming my door, I think).
I sit there, listen to the song 'Hard Work' by Paul Baribeau and gather my thoughts. I leave my bedroom and walk to the kitchen where my grandmother continues screaming stuff at me that I don't remember, except for her (in her manic-depressive, bi-polar, alcohol induced state) yelling 'YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS! WE JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU!!!" and I leave her to ferment. During the rest of the day she continues telling me how I never complain, I keep to myself and all of this stuff while I keep reminding myself that I ruined Christmas for them. They wanted to do something nice and instead I shit on it.
I told her to take it, wrap it and wait until Christmas to give it to me. She keeps going 'NO!" like a kid until I somehow convince her that I refuse to touch it unless it's wrapped and under the tree.
Three days later (today) she's still bummed and pissed off at me.
I don't know, I feel horrible... but at the same time I'm not.
I feel bad because she seems to care so much, but it's not like 'it came from Santa' (a quote from Sam, yes, I stole it).
Who knows.
I manage to ruin everything else... why not Christmas?
Cheers, I guess.
- Josh
(oh, new myspace btw: myspace.com/gimmesomesoul)
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